Man Stories



 
I’m a fly on the wall, privy to their stories. Better than a fly as the men look directly into my eyes and know they have my attention. The recipe to loosen their tongues and drop their defenses is alcohol and seclusion.
 
I offer them a beer, crown & water, whiskey & coke.
 
My husband, whom they have actually come to see, heads outside to rotate the horses. One at a time, the horses are removed from their pens and placed in the pasture. They must be separated or fighting ensues. Horses bite each other’s necks and asses, kick each other’s ribs causing internal damage.
 
Alcohol and seclusion.
 
Richard’s Story: Did I tell you about my wife’s and my indiscretions? Yes? How about the time I moved to Oklahoma? I sold all my properties in San Diego and took half a million dollars in cash to O.K. My wife and I returned to San Diego to take care of some business, but what we didn’t know was that my partner was cashing checks for $23,000 every day. By the time we returned, he had gone through $300,000. His house was empty. The warehouse was empty. There was no sign of him. I contacted my lawyer. He said, “What do you want to do? Sue him? He has nothing. You’d end up paying me $10,000 and you’d get nothing from him. I hired a private investigator to find him. He was living in a dilapidated trailer, driving a Pinto. All the money had gone up his nose. There was nothing to gain. I told the P.I. to just cause him enough pain so he would remember me the rest of his life. I saw him years later at a party. He was still using crutches. My wife told me not to cause a scene, so I said, “I won’t, but watch this.” I sidled right up to the guy and said, “How come you never write or call? I haven’t seen you since we were in Oklahoma.”
 
Brian’s Story: Did I ever tell you about the time I was on t.v.? No? I got a call one day from the People’s Court. See, I was building boats, and one guy was having trouble getting his registered. I told him how to do it, but he wasn’t listening. Here’s the deal with People’s Court. They pay everything. If you win, they pay you, and if you lose, they pay your fine. I had nothing to lose. I got myself a pink suit. Pink pants, pink jacket, pink shirt. I covered myself with baby oil, laid out in the sun and got really tan. I walked in there like my shit didn’t stink. What did I care? You know that guy, Rusty? He said afterward that nobody liked me. They thought I was cocky. Yeah, I was there with Judge Wapner. The Wapner. Great old guy. I lost, but see, it backfired on me. People were calling me up saying why should I buy a boat from you?
 
Johnny’s Story: Did I ever tell you about the wedding I went to? I was one of the groomsmen. Me and all my buddies were standing around before the ceremony and this one guy that I didn’t know asked, What’s the craziest thing that’s ever happened to you?” Shit, I dunno. We all said our stupid stories, and then this guy tells us that one time, he was in New Orleans and this hot chick seduced him. She brought him up to her room, stripped him naked, tied him to the bed and left. Aw man, he was thinking he was going to have some fun. Oh yeah! So, he’s laying there and this black Batman comes in. How sick is that? He’s raped by a black Batman. I said dude, shut up! Go get yourself some therapy and stop telling that story!
 
Are you ever privy to stories that maybe you shouldn’t hear?

 
Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

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24 Comments

Filed under Humor

24 responses to “Man Stories

  1. You mean like the customer’s that I have that are married brother and sister???

    Um.. yea.. have a few that I NEVER wanted to know!!!

  2. Sherri

    Jean,

    That is some salacious stuff girly….lmao πŸ™‚

    1.) Yaaaaaah, everytime someone gets their cellphone out in a public place where they shouldn’t be speaking.

    Damn you just keep gettin’ better

  3. Sometimes “those” moments do occur! Yikes! What a story you have here. Love the writing. πŸ™‚

  4. Bwahahahahahahaha….great stories!

    Sometimes you hear too many things just standing in line at the grocery store. Sometimes you can hear people around you talking about something they probably don’t want others to hear but are too friggin dumb to wait and talk about it in the car.

    Sometimes the employees get to talking and seem to foget that customers are around. LOL

  5. Sunny Wishes She Were Shopping

    You’re killing me! Jesus. I can totally envision all these guys in my head. And you. With your totally serious, non-commital expression (you know the one) where you look so unimpressed while inside your head you’re laughing your ass off!!! LOL!!!

    Uh, yes, I do have people tell me things they shouldn’t. Women too. Total strangers sometimes. In restrooms and airports. I must look like a therapist or something??

    • You may have met 1 of them. I’ll email you later and reveal their identities. LOL!
      Ya, I’m sitting there thinking, “What is taking Tom so long?!”
      You look like a non-judgmental person. πŸ™‚ Hey, did I ever tell you about the time….

  6. Um, don’t you guys dare tell this, or ever mention it on my blog, ever, but my friend is a honest to god Swinger, and she has adventures that both terrify and amuse me. There are things I’ve seen and heard that have me screaming “My eyes” like Phoebee from Friends when she saw Monica and Chandler do it!

  7. Oh God I had a friend that would tell me about her sex life when we were in the grocery store I was just mortified because I knew people were listening.

  8. Jean! That was great. I was on the edge of my seat. Wowsa! Great writing!

    Stuff like that happens to me. It must be what’s in a face or something. I had an online date tell me he liked to watch porno of men but he was straight. Uh-huh!

    Then the lady I would book tickets for, but would have to layover in such-in-such city to meet her lover that her husband didn’t know about. What???!?!

    • Thank you, Angelia!
      I think you’re right. A person’s face must look so approachable and kind that others just open right up!
      OMgosh about the straight man who liked gay porn. LOL!
      Oh yikes, you’ve definitely had your fair share of TMI stories.

  9. That’s awesome! I love the pictures that went with them. I bartended for years but I can’t think of any juicy stories…hmm, I was always working a corporate gigs where people where on their best behavior (for the most part) or bars that were so loud I could barely hear their drink orders.

  10. I can’t even begin to tell you the stories you hear doing peoples taxes. I don’t need nor want to hear half of it! I just want them to answer the questions with as few of details as possible! Holy shit!

  11. I had some “man insight” years ago laying at a public pool getting a tan. I heard this guy bragging about how pretty his girlfriend was. The other guy was laughing and saying, “Well I bet she has ugly feet ” and other dude’s saying “no!” Then the first guy was still determined to find something wrong with her, and he says, “Well I bet she has dragon breath then!” and by this time I’m trying not to laugh. and the first guy is telling him, “Dude, she has a great ‘pooper’ (ass) !”

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