Man Stories

 
I’m a fly on the wall, privy to their stories. Better than a fly as the men look directly into my eyes and know they have my attention. The recipe to loosen their tongues and drop their defenses is alcohol and seclusion.
 
I offer them a beer, crown & water, whiskey & coke.
 
My husband, whom they have actually come to see, heads outside to rotate the horses. One at a time, the horses are removed from their pens and placed in the pasture. They must be separated or fighting ensues. Horses bite each other’s necks and asses, kick each other’s ribs causing internal damage.
 
Alcohol and seclusion.
 
Richard’s Story: Did I tell you about my wife’s and my indiscretions? Yes? How about the time I moved to Oklahoma? I sold all my properties in San Diego and took half a million dollars in cash to O.K. My wife and I returned to San Diego to take care of some business, but what we didn’t know was that my partner was cashing checks for $23,000 every day. By the time we returned, he had gone through $300,000. His house was empty. The warehouse was empty. There was no sign of him. I contacted my lawyer. He said, “What do you want to do? Sue him? He has nothing. You’d end up paying me $10,000 and you’d get nothing from him. I hired a private investigator to find him. He was living in a dilapidated trailer, driving a Pinto. All the money had gone up his nose. There was nothing to gain. I told the P.I. to just cause him enough pain so he would remember me the rest of his life. I saw him years later at a party. He was still using crutches. My wife told me not to cause a scene, so I said, “I won’t, but watch this.” I sidled right up to the guy and said, “How come you never write or call? I haven’t seen you since we were in Oklahoma.”
 
Brian’s Story: Did I ever tell you about the time I was on t.v.? No? I got a call one day from the People’s Court. See, I was building boats, and one guy was having trouble getting his registered. I told him how to do it, but he wasn’t listening. Here’s the deal with People’s Court. They pay everything. If you win, they pay you, and if you lose, they pay your fine. I had nothing to lose. I got myself a pink suit. Pink pants, pink jacket, pink shirt. I covered myself with baby oil, laid out in the sun and got really tan. I walked in there like my shit didn’t stink. What did I care? You know that guy, Rusty? He said afterward that nobody liked me. They thought I was cocky. Yeah, I was there with Judge Wapner. The Wapner. Great old guy. I lost, but see, it backfired on me. People were calling me up saying why should I buy a boat from you?
 
Johnny’s Story: Did I ever tell you about the wedding I went to? I was one of the groomsmen. Me and all my buddies were standing around before the ceremony and this one guy that I didn’t know asked, What’s the craziest thing that’s ever happened to you?” Shit, I dunno. We all said our stupid stories, and then this guy tells us that one time, he was in New Orleans and this hot chick seduced him. She brought him up to her room, stripped him naked, tied him to the bed and left. Aw man, he was thinking he was going to have some fun. Oh yeah! So, he’s laying there and this black Batman comes in. How sick is that? He’s raped by a black Batman. I said dude, shut up! Go get yourself some therapy and stop telling that story!
 
Are you ever privy to stories that maybe you shouldn’t hear?
 
Names have been changed to protect the innocent.