All Nighter at the Sleep Lab

It’s 9pm, and I’m going to an exclusive resort! Ok, I can exaggerate. It’s really a Sleep Lab, but I’m pretending to look forward to it. After all, I won’t have to put the kids to bed or listen to hubby choking on his phlegmy flu. I’ll even have cable tv. Score!
Driving at night in the drizzling rain, I definitely should have cased the joint by the light of day. One u-turn and my headlights reveal the correct address. I grab my overnight bag, lock the car, and enter through the rear.
“Good morning!” I don’t know who this guy is, but 1) he’s watching a person sleep via his computer; and 2) he’s delusional. I’m relieved when a cheery blonde says she will be assisting me. She leads me to my room, tells me to get comfortable, and promises to return in about an hour. Let’s channel surf!
I flick on the t.v. and it’s already perfect. E!’s Fashion Police! The fashion police are ageless Joan Rivers, beautiful Khloe Kardashian Odom, skin & bones E! News hostess Giuliana (I hope she takes her doctor’s advice and gains 5 lbs), and forgive me if I don’t know his name, some flamboyant man with gray/silver hair. Looks like he colored it himself with a spray can. Why don’t the other police turn on him?
My mind is numb with fashion do’s and don’ts. Where is my chipper nurse? I’m yawning here. She may have to wake me up for my sleep test. How ironic is that?
Knock, knock. Oh, is it morning already? I get a laugh out of the nurse, but seriously, I’m exhausted. Let’s get this show on the road.
I’m allowed to pee before getting plugged in, and the bathroom is just off my bedroom. See, it is a resort! Now I have to slide wires up the bottom of my pant legs and out the top of my shirt. Is this a joke? I’m not that flexible, but I manage. The electrodes are glued to my legs, chest, and head, two straps are placed snuggly around my chest (quite flattering on the bustline! The Fashion Police would approve!), tubes and wires are inserted into my nostrils, and a clamp is placed on the finger of my choosing. Middle finger, anyone? Clamp THIS, nurse. No disrespect, ma’am. I’m just showing you which finger to clamp.
Sweet dreams!
I flick off my t.v. and prepare to rest when the nurse’s voice scares the crap out of me! There is a speaker in the room so I can hear her, but due to a malfunction, she cannot hear me (something I am thankful for as I emit farts throughout the night. No, that is not my disorder!) She wants me to point my toes, look left and right, close my eyes, and finally to mime that I am eating a big sandwich. I wash down the sandwich with imaginary milk and prepare to snooze. Ok NOW! Sleep… NOW! Doesn’t work that way. I toss and turn for what seems like an eternity. I can hear the nurse through the paper thin walls. I hear the phone ring. I hear my doctor’s voice. Surprising he’s here this time of night.
I must have fallen asleep. It’s 5am I learn from the t.v. as I flick it on. The nurse will be here soon to unplug me. I can hear her releasing another sleeper. She tells them how great they look for just waking up. That must be her schpeal. There’s no way I look great. I’ve gone 24 hours without caffeine and have electrodes glued to my head. I’m a freak!
I’m glad I don’t have to pee. How long will it take to unhook me? Finally she comes in, chipper as the evening prior. You slept good! Obviously we have differing definitions of a good night’s rest. She lets me visit the restroom before she begins to peel the glue from my body. She advises I condition my hair, and warns that I will soon hate her. What makes her think I don’t already?
When she leaves the room, I peel off my jammies (I hope that camera is off!) and slip back into my clothes. I answer a quick survey, and then head to the reception desk. She thanks me for my time, but no, she does not tell me how great I look. Damn. That should be her schpeal. Time to drag my frumpy ass home.
• Have you been to the Sleep Lab?
• Are you a Fashion Police officer?



Filed under Humor

34 responses to “All Nighter at the Sleep Lab

  1. Wow Jean, that was great reading and writing. I have so many questions now.

    How come you had to be evaluated at the sleep lab? Is it those weird dreams you’ve been having? Do you have sleep apnea? Am I asking TMI?

    I’ve always wondered what goes on at the sleep lab. Thanks for that little peek inside from your oh so humerous perspective.

    1.) No I’ve never been to a sleep lab
    2.) I’m not a fashion police officer but I’ll like to shoot a coupla people I know for the way they dress.
    3.) I’m adding a number three here cuz you forgot to ask if anyone else farts in their sleep. ROFLMFAO! Guess who? Yep, your’s truly, I know I don’t know what the hell happened to me. I hit 40 and it’s like I play a musical instrument in my sleep now. Of course, it always happens when my boyfriend spends the night or I stay there. I carry a huge supply of Beano around in my purse for such occasions but it doesn’t seem to help. I think I OD’d on the stuff and my body’s built up a tolerance!

    • Oh, Sherri! I WANTED that to be question number 3, but then I second guessed myself! Bwahahahahaha! Glad you answered it. Forty-Farters, unite!

      I think I do have sleep apnea. Hubby says I snore and stop breathing. I had a scare a few weeks ago, so I thought it was time to check it out.

    • Thank you for all the compliments too, Sherri!

      • You’re very welcome Jean! I enjoy your blogs so much. I’ve recently started reading a bunch of Gary’s reader’s blogs also. What a great bunch of blogger/writers. Pretty soon my whole weekend will be consumed with reading blogs…lol.

        I hope you get a diagnosis and are able to resolve the issue. My first husband used to do that in his sleep too and it scared the bejesus out of me!

        Hey, I hope when Gary reads this he doesn’t change his mind about going to a Snuggie Pub Crawl with us. Jean, our Snuggies could very well turn into Dutch Ovens! LMAO!

      • talkingsnuggie

        OHMYGOSH Please don’t use us for “Dutch Ovens” but we do LOVE the Pub Crawls! No one ever used to take us out in public before they started taking off.

        P.S. Jean I wish I could pack myself in a box and mail myself to you Mrs. Hot Stuff 😉

      • Hahahahahaha! Ok, Talking Snuggie. I promise, on behalf of myself and Sherri, that we will not [intentionally] use our snuggies as Dutch Ovens.

        Your comment was an hilarious surprise!

        Thank you for the compliment. 😀

  2. Beth

    Interesting. I’ve always wondered about sleep labs because it seems to me that we’d probably sleep differently in a lab environment than we would tucked in at home, with no one watching (and listening…hahaha). Maybe not. Maybe once we’ve drifted off, we forget that we’re on not-so-candid camera. ;O)

    Hope you get the answers you are looking for. ♥

    • Hi {{Beth}}! I wonder if I did sleep differently. I felt restless and had a pounding headache. I’d keep waking up and thinking to myself, “Fall back to sleep”. It was miserable.
      I hope I get some easy answers like diet, exercise, and oxygen. 😀

  3. geez jean that is scary shit! I mean the stopping breathing thing. So do you have to get one of those machines?
    This whole thing made me need a xanax..I hope to God I never have to go through that because somebody would get hurt. I get up and pee like every hour…and ANY little noise and I’m up so that phone ringing would be needing to come to a stop. BLAH!

    • I’m thinking I”ll need one of those machines, JJ. I have a follow up with my doc. on Feb. 8th. It is scary. My hubby will wake me up if I stop breathing, but the other morning I had such a headache and my upper lip was numb like it lost circulation. That’s when I knew I had to seek help.
      I thought I’d have to pee, and pictured myself miming to the camera. LOL!
      Thanks for coming by, and I’m sorry you needed a xanax. 🙂

      • ok wait a minute…. that headache you just described and the numb lip thing ok..uh that has happened to me too…what is the deal with that????? I blamed it on my medication but now I am not so sure. That was like one of the worst headaches I have ever had.

    • Ya, that was a horrible headache, JJ, and the numb lip really panicked me. I’m not sure the diagnosis yet, but I’ll let you know what the doctor says.

  4. Erin from Long Island

    I have often wanted to go to a sleep lab. I have had a miriad of sleep issues throughout my life and would have recorded myself if I had a video camera to see what was going on

    Why did the nurse say you would hate her later? I dont get it

    I dont know if I fart in my sleep, bcause I am sleeping!

    • Hi Erin! I hope you will get to go to a sleep lab some day. I found a sleep clinic in my town, and my insurance covers my visit. It was nice not to have to be referred by a doctor but to just make the appointment because of my owns concerns.
      The nurse said I would hate her because the glue is difficult to remove from hair. It’s like a thick paste and it was all in my locks.
      LOL – you’re right! It’s hard to know if you fart in your sleep unless you fart yourself awake. 🙂

  5. Joy

    I think it’s so neat that you shared this with us. I’ve often wondered what those clinics are like and I do have to agree with Beth. That it’s got to be harder for someone to fall asleep in those conditions rather at home in your own beds. My husbands “noise” and sleeping crap just gave me my own bedroom. I’ve slept alone now for almost 10 years and would never share a room again. Sleep is just way to important. I also am a “tosser and turner” so I’d have a really hard time falling asleep in a place like that. I sure hope everything turns out okay for you. Also, I have lung problems from 30 years of smoking and I sleep with oxygen and it makes me feel so much better rested and feeling better than not sleeping with it. If that’s an option for you, I’d go for it.

    • I wondered what the clinics were like too. It was terribly hard to fall asleep. I wonder how I did.
      Ahhh, your sleep sounds very peaceful! Good solution, Joy.
      I am hoping Oxygen is an option. Some readers on MySpace say it is just air, but I rec’d voicemail from the respiratory clinic, and they said oxygen. I’m a little confused, but hope to have answers soon.
      Thanks Joy!

  6. Oh wow, I would not be able to sleep at all with the noise and all those wires. I also can’t sleep if it’s not my own bed or if I know I’m being watched by a friggin camera! Your account was really funny. 🙂

    I have sleep anxiety and insomnia but lately I’ve been using a guided meditation recording on my ipod to get to sleep. That sounds totally lame, but it works!

    I’m glad you’re taking this sleep apnea thing seriously, my best friend’s father had serious sleep apnea and used one of those machines at night. Sadly he knocked it off himself one night and passed away. He also had had other serious health issues, so I don’t want to scare you or anything. I just think it’s good that you’re being proactive!

    • I know what you mean, Jen. I wanted to shush the nurses. Why did I have to be so close to the entrance? I even heard the woman in the other room. Sounded like she was apologizing for throwing up!
      No, your ipod meditation doesn’t sound lame. If it works for you that is all that matters.
      Oh, that is sad about your friend’s Dad. Sounds like he really relied on the apparatus.
      Thank you Jen!

  7. Thanks for sharing your experience. I’ve read about those electrodes being glued to your head. Was it tough to wash out? Is that why your nurse said you’d hate her? LOL

    And to answer your questions:
    1) I have never been to a sleep lab.
    2) I am not a fashion police, but my hubby says I am the FOOD police. hee hee! He doesn’t think it’s funny.

  8. Jean,

    You know she was just jealous! She probably uses her schpeal on guys only. 🙂

    After all that, hope it turns out all right.

  9. S. Le

    I’ve never been to a sleep lab and couldn’t for 2 reasons:
    1. I’d never sleep there! I barely sleep the first night I’m anywhere new. I’d have to stay at least 2 nights.
    1. I never get through a night without needing a pee. Comes from years of getting up with babies and small children.

    I could be the fashion police if I could get away with it without hurting peoples feelings. I’m a bit too kind for being police. Perhaps a fashion self-help guru? Yes!

  10. This is the first time I’ve heard about Sleeping lab. What is the purpose of it?

  11. I’ve never been to be a sleep lab and hopefully won’t ever have to but I might be narcoleptic so…

  12. I haven’t been to the Sleep Lab yet.I think that it’s already enaugh how much time i sleep at home. 😉
    I think that it was a interessting experience for you there.
    It’s the first time when you try it? 🙂

    Have a special day,my friend!

  13. wow, thanks for this. I think Doug has to go to one of those places to evaluate weather he has sleep apnea. He’ll appreciate knowing what goes on.

  14. Jessica – Does that mean you can fall asleep anywhere? You might do well at the lab. 🙂

    Hi 2a24. yes, it was my first time visiting a sleep lab. I had seen clips of sleep lab experiences on t.v., but really never dreamed (no pun intended) I’d be visiting one.

    Hi Sweetiegirlz – Good luck to Doug if he has to go. I was pretty stressed out about it all day. I thought I’d not be able to move (untrue), or that I’d have to pee (nope), so it really wasn’t all I’d feared.

  15. Sunny Wishes She Were Shopping

    Ah, you did make this sound like fun! How many stars would you give this resort?

    I love Jay Manuel! He’s so darn funny. He was on America’s Next Top Model along with Miss Jay, the drag runway walker. 😉 meow!

    Yep, I do play fashion police. And, if I have a camera handy, I’ve been known to take photo’s of my victims. LOL

    • I will give the Sleep Lab Resort 3 stars. It was clean, had pleasant staff members and cable t.v. On the downside, the walls were thin and there was no room service (besides the imaginary sandwich).

      I need to watch Top Model so I can gain an appreciation for Jay.

      I’d love to see the pics you have snapped!

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