Category Archives: Humor

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

I want to poop through my feet. Yes, seriously, I do. Not the mamby-pamby pads you stick to the soles of your feet, but a big, hearty, detoxifying dump in a foot bath. You’ll have to wait for the Ugly to see the pictures!
 
THE GOOD
 
1. Being told by hubby, “Sure I’ll watch Pearl!”, so I could sneak away for a pedicure and detoxifying foot bath.
2. Having a gift certificate for treatment at a local salon.
3. Having a salon customer cancel, and I fill their spot immediately!
4. Looking cute in my new Isaac Mizrahi plaid Target dress on sale for $17.99.
 
THE BAD
 
1. Being told I can’t have the ionic foot bath because I’m pregnant. (I’m NOT pregnant!)
2. Crotchety Mildred taking an hour per foot on my pedicure, and running out of time before applying paint!
3. Not being given a towel for my lap, thus giving the salon an upskirt show.
4. Not having a private room to foot-poop in privacy.
 
THE UGLY
 
1. What came out of my feet.

I think, technically, I only peed through my feet.
 
2. What has come out of other people’s feet!

These are some hearty foot dumps!
 
• Have you pooped through your feet?
• Would you poop through your feet?

 
Originally published 09/27/08 on MySpace.

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Filed under Humor

Interview Tag

I was nervous to sit down with World Renowned Reporter, *Megan.
 

 
She looked like she meant business when she sat down with her notepad in hand.
 
I only hoped I’d be up for the questions she would pose.
 
MEGAN: If you could travel to one place in the world and you had to leave today, where would you be headed and why?
 
ME: Oh my gosh, I have to leave right now? I’m not even packed! I guess I’d better fly to Los Angeles and hope my sister can pick me up. I might be able to fit into some of her clothes. Oh heck, I’ve got charge cards. Sure, I’m ready. Where’s my ride?
 
MEGAN:No, you insolant boob. It was merely a hypothetical question. Care to try again?
 
ME: Oh, ok. Anywhere in the world….
 
MEGAN: Tick tock, Jean. Step it up.
 
ME: You know what? I’m still gonna say my sister’s house. She just recently moved, and I haven’t even seen the place. So, yes, I think I’ll fly into Los Angeles.
 
MEGAN: Fine. Good. Los Angeles. Next question: What are your talents, and what are some of the areas in which you wish you had talent but do not?
 
ME: I think I’m talented with PhotoShop. I can also google really quickly to get answers to my husband’s obscure questions. I pretty successfully juggle being a Mom, a wife, and a business owner. I wish I could ride a horse. Naw, I don’t really wish that! Ah ha ha ha ha ha!!! My husband would wish that for me! I wish my talent was getting in shape and staying there. Does that qualify?
 
MEGAN: Sure, that qualifies. I’m sure you speak for many who wish they had the talent of … ahem… health. ::: rolls eyes ::: Next question: What do you love the most about your life and why?
 
ME: I love the flexibility of my work schedule!! Love, love, love it! Seriously, I work about 2 weeks out of the month. I’m a graphic designer, and create (or change) ads one week. The next week I put on my publisher hat, and get our magazines ready to print. So, during my off-time, I get to spoil my children with lots of attention! Plus, we work out of our house, so we, Tom & the kids and I, have a lot of quality time together.
 
MEGAN: Finally, I think you’re letting us see the real you! Question number 4: What are you most afraid of?
 
ME: I hope this doesn’t sound silly, but my biggest fear is home invasion. I check all the doors each night, and make sure the gates are closed. I check on my daughters in their beds. I just want us all to be safe, in our home. It’s a scary world out there, and a shame these thoughts have to enter my head.
 
MEGAN: Amen. Ok, let’s end on a lighter note. My final question is, what is the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to you?
 
ME: Just one? I’ve got a few. Hard to narrow ’em down. Let’s see… Well, for starters, I was in high school, but away on a debate tournament. There were a whole bunch of us sitting around, laughing and joking. Well, one guy was SO FUNNY, I literally lost control of my bladder! I had to run to the bathroom and freshen up as best I could. Another time, I was on a date. The guy and I had decided to snuggle in the back of his car. I must have been tired, and fell asleep. Know what woke me up? The sound of my own fart!
 
MEGAN: I’m afraid that’s all we have time for, Jean. Thank you.
 
If you’d like to be interviewed, please say Interview Me in the comments. I will send you five questions specific to you.

 
*Megan is a lovely friend who no longer blogs. This post was originally published February 8, 2008 on MySpace.

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Filed under Friends, Humor, Tags, Games, Quizzes

All The Cool Kids Are Doing It

If Crunchy Betty jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
 
No, but when Crunchy Betty puts food on her face, you want to follow suit!
 
The genius behind Crunchy Betty is brunette beauty, Leslie. Leslie woos us with succulent photos, fascinating facts, and the benefits of bypassing our mouths and smearing food directly onto our skin.
 
Now before you peel that banana and do a face plant, I recommend you check out her site for honest to goodness recipes.
 
The glistening goo on my face is equal parts honey and almond oil with a droplet of Vitamin E oil. After rinsing, I glowed like a nubile virgin. My goopy face is now on display at the Gallery of Crunchy Betties.
 
Get your cameras ready and head to your kitchen or pantry.
 
• What food will you put on your face?
• Is that your head next to mine in the gallery?

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Filed under Crafts, Humor, Recipes

Enrique, Put Your Pants On

Did you hear? Enrique Iglesias threatened… offered… Which is it? Threatened or offered? … To waterski naked if Spain won the World Cup.
 
Personally, I’d use it as a threat. Kids, do your homework or your father and I will waterski naked!
 
While researching this subject, I found some other nude sports. Are you ready for this? Nude rock climbing. Go ahead. Let that visual sink in. I don’t care how much I love you. I do not want to follow your naked butt up a rock obstacle course.
 
Nude limbo. Really? Why don’t you just accompany me to my next OBGYN appointment.
 
Nude camping. Also known as mosquito smorgasbord.
 
Some activities I would do in the buff include:
• blogging (I may already have)
• bathing (Really went out on a limb there)
• sleeping
• gardening (Kidding! Just seeing if you’re awake.)
 
If you’re here to see the exclusive Enrique naked waterskiing video, take a peek before TMZ plasters their logo all over it.

Lucky us.

 
1) If Enrique does waterski naked, will you watch?
2) Besides the obvious, would you partake in any nude activities?

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Filed under Celebrity, Humor

Can A Whore Get A Drink?


 

I had such a strange dream last night. Thank you, Taco Bell.
 
In this dream, I was a prostitute. Quiet! I worked in a swanky Mall -slash- Casino -slash- Hotel. Police were looking for a missing person, and all the whores’ suites were to be searched. My trick (is that the right term?) was a nice, elderly gentleman who wanted to buy me a drink. I was just about to tell the bartender my order when my date cut me off, and ordered two shots of a clear liquor. Then it dawned on me. Can a whore order a drink, or do you have to just take what you’re offered?
 
Typical of a casino, it was hard to find my way around. For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out how to exit! Plus, the mall was very enticing. I’ll bet I spent a lot of my earnings there.
 
• Tell me a strange dream you’ve had.
• If you worked in a mall, would you spend a lot of money there?
• Do you think a prostitute can order the drink of her choice?

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Big American Breasts

Once upon a time, I wanted to have big American breasts. By the time I reached twenty-one, I felt ready to provide myself with what genetics had overlooked. A particularly buxom acquaintance recommended her plastic surgeon.
 
I scheduled my appointment, paid the consultation fee, and met with the doctor. Silicone implants in varying sizes lined his desk, and volumes of black binders filled with “before & after” photos adorned his shelves. I was on the precipice of my dream!
 
I posed for my “before” photo, filled out paperwork and prepared to set the date. That is when the doctor informed me of a “perk” that was the deal breaker. Post-surgery, I would be chauffeured home in a limousine for all the neighbors and lookie-loos to see. Driven through town, heads turning, necks snapping, to see who, in this tiny town of 19,000 was riding in a limo. It seemed utterly mortifying! I wanted a side of dignity and a heaping helping of privacy when I brought my new hooters home.
 
There would be no implants for me, but things have a way of working themselves out. With time, age and pregnancies, my cups runneth over.
 
• Has a limo altered your path?
• Did you grow up in a small town?
• Has a doctor ever said/done anything that made you rethink surgery?

56 Comments

Filed under Humor, IMO

Operation Rewind

If you hadn’t seen someone for twenty years, wouldn’t you want to look your best for the reunion? That is exactly the predicament I recently faced. Facebook reunites me with friends from my past, and lucky for me, one was was planning a trip to Vegas. We conversed for months making plans to meet for lunch while she was in town.
 
Although I dragged my feet for a while, by April Operation Rewind was underway. I needed to recapture my youthful glow!
 
Step 1: Exfoliate.
I’m a big fan of Bobbi Brown’s Beach Scrub. Alas, my wallet is not. I was able to find a new creation, the Bobbi Brown Sandbar. Quick Review: Bobbi, your sandbar hurt me. The sand was so rough it was akin to rubbing cut glass on my legs. A bit harsh? Yeah, so was your sandbar until the sandy layer washed away after only two uses. Now I am left with a 1″x2″ bar of beach-scented soap.
 
My first and possibly 2nd layer of skin removed, I was now ready for …
 
Step 2: Self-Tanning.
Jergens Natural Glow for Fair Skin turned me from translucent to pale without a hint of orange. I still have my Chanel face tanner from last year, and slathered that on too. Slightly bronzy facial skin achieved.
 
Step 3: Teeth Whitening
Found Crest’s Premium Whitestrips under my sink and said, “What the heck.” Noticeably whiter teeth after three uses.
 
Step 4: Pedicure
No funds for the local nail salon, so I clipped, filed and painted my own toes. Rocking OPI’s – Sweet As Annie-Thing! from their 90210 Collection.
 
Step 5: Wardrobe
Grabbed a lovely Forever 21 sundress from my closet, a gravity-defeating Victoria’s Secret strapless bra from my lingerie drawer, comfy Havaianas flip-flops, and I was good to go!
 
Unfortunately my friend was not. Her hotel overbooked and bumped her to another resort, causing her a lot of stress. Thus our lunch plans went kaput.
 
I hope her travels bring her back to Vegas soon. I’m not sure how long the effects of Operation Rewind last.
 
• How do you bring sexy back?
• Are you reconnecting on FaceBook?
• Are you cool with plans changing at the last minute?

 
Get Your Shopping Groove On!
1)
Bobbi Brown Beach Sandbar
2)
Jergen’s Natural Glow – Fair Tones
3) Chanel Precision Soleil Identite Perfect Colour Face Self Tanner SPF 8 – Dore ( Golden )
4) Crest Premium Whitestrips
5) OPI – Sweet As Annie-Thing!

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Filed under Humor, Shopping

Where Glee Lost Me

Glee is back, but I’m holding my applause.
 
The season opener was all over the place! Rachel and Finn’s on again/off again romance made me woozy. Combined with Counselor Emma & Teacher Will’s relationship woes, I was ready for a Dramamine. Insert Finn being quasi-seduced by the Cheerios, and my head exploded.
 
Week two promised The Power of Madonna. Once again, I suspended belief as
Emma wrestled with her virginity,
the Cheerios performed on stilts,
Rachel lusted after wannabe tough-guy/singer (gag me), Jesse St. James.
 

 
But I could not believe my eyes when I saw a McKinley student saunter the school halls in an evening gown, gloves, and diamonique. Surely this violated McKinley’s dress code. Come on! I can only accept so much!
 
Why did I find this unacceptable? Because I, too, have experienced the power of Madonna. Back in the early 80’s when Madonna hit the scene, she influenced music and fashion. My girlfriends and I gobbled up both. Fishnet stockings, colorful belts, vintage pumps, thrift-store fashion finds, we wore it all. But as much as we adored her, we would never have impersonated her.
 
And that is where Glee lost me.
 

 
• Are you a Gleek?
• Have you experienced the power of Madonna?
• Which celebrity has influenced your sense of style?

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Filed under Humor, IMO

Easter Cartoon

Belated Happy Easter to you! Did you have a nice holiday? We did. My parents came to visit. The last time they were here was five years ago when our youngest daughter was born. We had a fabulous three days, and it was great to see our children bond with their grandparents and vice versa.
 
My parents are very private people. Tom, not realizing this, did snap a few photos while Dad grimaced and Mom growled. Wanting to keep the peace yet share our adventures, I created this cartoon. I hope you enjoy it!
 

 
• Do you like to draw?
• Are your parents private people?
• How was your Easter?
 
Thanks for reading & watching!

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Filed under Arizona, Humor, River Adventures

Jesus Really Does Save (Updated)

This blog was originally posted on MySpace March 9, 2009. An update follows.
 
This morning, on Tom’s return trip from dropping Natalie off at school, he was pulled over for speeding. As he was waiting for the officer to do whatever it is officer’s do, Tom noticed something odd in his rear view mirror. “That’s something you don’t see every day”, Tom remarked to the officer. What caught their eye? A man pulling a huge cross along the highway. The cop took one look at Tom and said, “Today’s your lucky day. Now that we’ve seen Jesus, I’m going to let you go with a warning.”
 
Tom came home with a gleam in his eye, and I immediately knew something was up. Neither of us could believe his luck! But wait! He hadn’t taken a picture! The man couldn’t have gotten far, so Tom grabbed a camera and headed out. Didn’t take Tom long to find him hauling his cross (which conveniently has wheels on the bottom) further into town. Tom pulled over and snapped his photo. The man waved, approached Tom, and said the photo would cost him one dollar.
 
The two struck up a conversation. Tom is so personable, and apparently so is the man with the cross. Turns out his name is Cross Carrier Chuck, and he has been walking across the United States since 2000. It’s a ten year mission, and at the end of it, he’s going to write a book.
 
Tom gave C.C. Chuck (and his cross) a ride to Laughlin, and enough money to buy him a decent breakfast at any one of the casinos. Chuck’s next destination is, appropriately enough, Sin City.

 

 
 
UPDATE: The story did not end there. Far from it. Chuck’s feet were hurting, so he turned his cross around and returned to our town. Meanwhile the story of Tom’s lucky encounter with “Jesus” was blazing through the grapevine. As Chuck pulled his cross in front of the window of a local Bar & Grill, the patrons phoned Tom to say, “Jesus is back!” Tom hopped into his truck, caught up with Chuck, and bought him a bowl of soup.
 
Day turned to night, and Tom brought Chuck home for dinner. During the course of the evening, we discovered some interesting things about Chuck.
• His mother’s name is Mary.
• His favorite cocktail is the Long Island Iced Tea.
• His favorite pizza is ham, pineapple and anchovies.
• The cross is not a chick-magnet.
• He likes Rice Crispy Treats, but doesn’t know who Michael Phelps is or why Michael adorned my box of Treats. (One collectible down the drain.)
 
With the help of our friends, we were able to treat Chuck to a week’s stay at a local hotel. After speaking with his mother, we helped him establish a bank account using our address for his statements. His parents put money into his account, and he is able to make withdrawals with his ATM card. When the statements arrive, we are tempted to open them and see where Chuck has been. Instead, I file them away on the off chance he returns.
 
Chuck caught a bus and headed to the bible belt as Easter was on the horizon. He abandoned his cross in Needles, CA, where the bus station is located, and anticipated building a new cross when this particular journey was over.
 
You can find videos of Cross Carrier Chuck on YouTube. It was fun to show him the internet while he was here, and he could recall in great detail the circumstances behind being filmed.
 
If you ever run across Chuck, buy him a Long Island Iced Tea from me!

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Filed under Arizona, Humor, Laughlin, Nevada