The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

I want to poop through my feet. Yes, seriously, I do. Not the mamby-pamby pads you stick to the soles of your feet, but a big, hearty, detoxifying dump in a foot bath. You’ll have to wait for the Ugly to see the pictures!
 
THE GOOD
 
1. Being told by hubby, “Sure I’ll watch Pearl!”, so I could sneak away for a pedicure and detoxifying foot bath.
2. Having a gift certificate for treatment at a local salon.
3. Having a salon customer cancel, and I fill their spot immediately!
4. Looking cute in my new Isaac Mizrahi plaid Target dress on sale for $17.99.
 
THE BAD
 
1. Being told I can’t have the ionic foot bath because I’m pregnant. (I’m NOT pregnant!)
2. Crotchety Mildred taking an hour per foot on my pedicure, and running out of time before applying paint!
3. Not being given a towel for my lap, thus giving the salon an upskirt show.
4. Not having a private room to foot-poop in privacy.
 
THE UGLY
 
1. What came out of my feet.

I think, technically, I only peed through my feet.
 
2. What has come out of other people’s feet!

These are some hearty foot dumps!
 
• Have you pooped through your feet?
• Would you poop through your feet?
 
Originally published 09/27/08 on MySpace.

Interview Tag

I was nervous to sit down with World Renowned Reporter, ^*Megan.
 

 
She looked like she meant business when she sat down with her notepad in hand.
 
I only hoped I’d be up for the questions she would pose.
 
MEGAN: If you could travel to one place in the world and you had to leave today, where would you be headed and why?
 
ME: Oh my gosh, I have to leave right now? I’m not even packed! I guess I’d better fly to Los Angeles and hope my sister can pick me up. I might be able to fit into some of her clothes. Oh heck, I’ve got charge cards. Sure, I’m ready. Where’s my ride?
 
MEGAN:No, you insolant boob. It was merely a hypothetical question. Care to try again?
 
ME: Oh, ok. Anywhere in the world….
 
MEGAN: Tick tock, Jean. Step it up.
 
ME: You know what? I’m still gonna say my sister’s house. She just recently moved, and I haven’t even seen the place. So, yes, I think I’ll fly into Los Angeles.
 
MEGAN: Fine. Good. Los Angeles. Next question: What are your talents, and what are some of the areas in which you wish you had talent but do not?
 
ME: I think I’m talented with PhotoShop. I can also google really quickly to get answers to my husband’s obscure questions. I pretty successfully juggle being a Mom, a wife, and a business owner. I wish I could ride a horse. Naw, I don’t really wish that! Ah ha ha ha ha ha!!! My husband would wish that for me! I wish my talent was getting in shape and staying there. Does that qualify?
 
MEGAN: Sure, that qualifies. I’m sure you speak for many who wish they had the talent of … ahem… health. ::: rolls eyes ::: Next question: What do you love the most about your life and why?
 
ME: I love the flexibility of my work schedule!! Love, love, love it! Seriously, I work about 2 weeks out of the month. I’m a graphic designer, and create (or change) ads one week. The next week I put on my publisher hat, and get our magazines ready to print. So, during my off-time, I get to spoil my children with lots of attention! Plus, we work out of our house, so we, Tom & the kids and I, have a lot of quality time together.
 
MEGAN: Finally, I think you’re letting us see the real you! Question number 4: What are you most afraid of?
 
ME: I hope this doesn’t sound silly, but my biggest fear is home invasion. I check all the doors each night, and make sure the gates are closed. I check on my daughters in their beds. I just want us all to be safe, in our home. It’s a scary world out there, and a shame these thoughts have to enter my head.
 
MEGAN: Amen. Ok, let’s end on a lighter note. My final question is, what is the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to you?
 
ME: Just one? I’ve got a few. Hard to narrow ’em down. Let’s see… Well, for starters, I was in high school, but away on a debate tournament. There were a whole bunch of us sitting around, laughing and joking. Well, one guy was SO FUNNY, I literally lost control of my bladder! I had to run to the bathroom and freshen up as best I could. Another time, I was on a date. The guy and I had decided to snuggle in the back of his car. I must have been tired, and fell asleep. Know what woke me up? The sound of my own fart!
 
MEGAN: I’m afraid that’s all we have time for, Jean. Thank you.
 
If you’d like to be interviewed, please say Interview Me in the comments. I will send you five questions specific to you.
 
^*Megan is a lovely friend who no longer blogs. This post was originally published February 8, 2008 on MySpace.

Can A Whore Get A Drink?

 

I had such a strange dream last night. Thank you, Taco Bell.
 
In this dream, I was a prostitute. Quiet! I worked in a swanky Mall -slash- Casino -slash- Hotel. Police were looking for a missing person, and all the whores’ suites were to be searched. My trick (is that the right term?) was a nice, elderly gentleman who wanted to buy me a drink. I was just about to tell the bartender my order when my date cut me off, and ordered two shots of a clear liquor. Then it dawned on me. Can a whore order a drink, or do you have to just take what you’re offered?
 
Typical of a casino, it was hard to find my way around. For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out how to exit! Plus, the mall was very enticing. I’ll bet I spent a lot of my earnings there.
 
• Tell me a strange dream you’ve had.
• If you worked in a mall, would you spend a lot of money there?
• Do you think a prostitute can order the drink of her choice?

The Frenchman Who Abandoned Me (Updated)

This blog was originally posted on MySpace October 3, 2008. It was my submission to the now defunct Group Blogging Experience (GBE). The hostess, Alicia, would suggest a word each week, and participants would define the word with stories, photos, poems, etc. The blogs were linked by Alicia, and new friendships were formed.
 
An update to this story has been added at the bottom. Thanks for reading!
 
GBE 56 – ABANDON
 
We hired a carpenter.

Not really him.

 
He’s french.
 

Not too stereotypical.

 
He has done work for us in the past.
 

Mantel, tiled fireplace, entertainment center, and bar.

 
Yesterday he swung by the house to begin installing our new entertainment center. All the pieces were brought into the room. We thought, in a few hours, everything would be in place. But no. He had to go pick up his son, and promised to be back.
 

Don't believe him.

 
Hours passed. He did not return.
 
His son called.
 

You did not know I was so fluent in French.

 
Mon Dieu! No, we don’t know where your father is.
 
Then his cat phoned.
 

Have you ever tried consoling a cat over the phone?

 
Day turned into night. The carpenter never returned.
 
If anyone can read these plans…
 

Zee plans.

 
… and figure out how to complete the project…
 

Install the secret door so we can hide behind the t.v.

 
… we would be forever grateful.
 
F.Y.I. ~ The last time he abandoned the project, we found him in front of a slot machine.
 

Sacre Bleu! You 'ave found me!

 
 

---

 
UPDATE 02/20/10: The Frenchman professed to being pulled away by a family emergency so secretive even his own son and cat were not made aware of it. I still see him from time to time, wandering the grocery store in his unbuttoned Hawaiian shirt, chest hair wild and unkempt in stark contrast to his precisely-groomed mustache. I imagine him muttering under his breath, “Zere iz zee beach ooh scorned moi.”, but thankfully he doesn’t notice me.
 
My husband trolled a local bar for a cheap replacement who would finish the job for cash. After much coaxing, he finally found a taker, and our entertainment center was completed. The secret door allowing access to the space behind the t.v. was never installed, bursting my dreams of hiding from the children and having wild sex with the television blaring. Or maybe just hiding from the children and sitting quietly in the corner.
 

Completed but not the ultimate hiding place.

 
• Has a Frenchman ever let you down?
• Do you take part in blogging groups?
• Where do you hide from the children?

Man Stories

 
I’m a fly on the wall, privy to their stories. Better than a fly as the men look directly into my eyes and know they have my attention. The recipe to loosen their tongues and drop their defenses is alcohol and seclusion.
 
I offer them a beer, crown & water, whiskey & coke.
 
My husband, whom they have actually come to see, heads outside to rotate the horses. One at a time, the horses are removed from their pens and placed in the pasture. They must be separated or fighting ensues. Horses bite each other’s necks and asses, kick each other’s ribs causing internal damage.
 
Alcohol and seclusion.
 
Richard’s Story: Did I tell you about my wife’s and my indiscretions? Yes? How about the time I moved to Oklahoma? I sold all my properties in San Diego and took half a million dollars in cash to O.K. My wife and I returned to San Diego to take care of some business, but what we didn’t know was that my partner was cashing checks for $23,000 every day. By the time we returned, he had gone through $300,000. His house was empty. The warehouse was empty. There was no sign of him. I contacted my lawyer. He said, “What do you want to do? Sue him? He has nothing. You’d end up paying me $10,000 and you’d get nothing from him. I hired a private investigator to find him. He was living in a dilapidated trailer, driving a Pinto. All the money had gone up his nose. There was nothing to gain. I told the P.I. to just cause him enough pain so he would remember me the rest of his life. I saw him years later at a party. He was still using crutches. My wife told me not to cause a scene, so I said, “I won’t, but watch this.” I sidled right up to the guy and said, “How come you never write or call? I haven’t seen you since we were in Oklahoma.”
 
Brian’s Story: Did I ever tell you about the time I was on t.v.? No? I got a call one day from the People’s Court. See, I was building boats, and one guy was having trouble getting his registered. I told him how to do it, but he wasn’t listening. Here’s the deal with People’s Court. They pay everything. If you win, they pay you, and if you lose, they pay your fine. I had nothing to lose. I got myself a pink suit. Pink pants, pink jacket, pink shirt. I covered myself with baby oil, laid out in the sun and got really tan. I walked in there like my shit didn’t stink. What did I care? You know that guy, Rusty? He said afterward that nobody liked me. They thought I was cocky. Yeah, I was there with Judge Wapner. The Wapner. Great old guy. I lost, but see, it backfired on me. People were calling me up saying why should I buy a boat from you?
 
Johnny’s Story: Did I ever tell you about the wedding I went to? I was one of the groomsmen. Me and all my buddies were standing around before the ceremony and this one guy that I didn’t know asked, What’s the craziest thing that’s ever happened to you?” Shit, I dunno. We all said our stupid stories, and then this guy tells us that one time, he was in New Orleans and this hot chick seduced him. She brought him up to her room, stripped him naked, tied him to the bed and left. Aw man, he was thinking he was going to have some fun. Oh yeah! So, he’s laying there and this black Batman comes in. How sick is that? He’s raped by a black Batman. I said dude, shut up! Go get yourself some therapy and stop telling that story!
 
Are you ever privy to stories that maybe you shouldn’t hear?
 
Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Best Post of the Week

 
I received the Best Post of the Week award from Purple Hatter (talented artist and creator of this award) and Doraz (whose positive attitude will consistently lift your spirits). Thank you both!
 
Here are the rules that accompany this award:
1.) The award recipient cannot accept this award ever again.
2.) The award must be passed to 3 other blogs within 1 week.
 
I will present this award to bloggers within the MySpace community and those in the WordPress community.
 
BEST POST OF THE WEEK – WordPress
 
Gary’s World for Snuggie Envy.
 
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Girl from the Ghetto for Lamest New Year’s Eve Ever contest.
 
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Mai Laws for Another reason why I hate Nirvana.
 
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
BEST POST OF THE WEEK – MySpace
 
Bewitched for I’ve got feet that dingle dangle dingle.
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
Poot for It’s all Amy’s fault.
 
 
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
Nicole for Funniest Sitcom Character: Archie vs. Raymond.
 
 

 
 
 
 
 
If you need a chuckle today, be sure to check out these posts. As always, thanks for stopping by!

Go Get ‘Em, Tiger!

Tiger Woods has lost lucrative sponsorship and advertising deals, but he could still come out the winner.

---

Tiger, you have the opportunity to reach more consumers than ever before. Here are my recommendations for your financial future.

1. Cut a deal with Summer’s Eve. Demand they create a “Smells Like Money!” scent.

2. Accept an offer from Dirt Devil. The sale of dirt bags could triple.

3. Contact The Las Vegas Tourism Board. Your face plus their trademarked phrase equals a match made in heaven.

4. Remake the Austin Powers hit, GoldMember.

5. Pen a Dummies book.

So, what do you say, Mr. Woods? Are you ready to come out of hiding and get back to work?

• Do you think Tiger is listening?
• Love him, hate him, or leave him alone?
• What other products could he endorse?

How To: Raise Hams

“Come on, Tom. It’ll be fun!”, I pleaded. “It’s just you and me. I’ll set up my camera, and you grab your meat, all nine pounds of it.”

Fits of laughter.

“Ok, I’ll take my big cannon and show you who’s boss.” Tom cajoled.

More laughter and innuendo.

The buzz of the evening wore off, but the playful conversation lingered in my head. Was he ready for his close up? Yes, actually he was. While I set up the tripod, he cleared the counter and set up an array of spices and secret ingredients for we were making an instructional video. Not the type Carrie Prejean would record but an honest to goodness How To video for making jerky.

I should call him One Take Tom for he could expound on the subject without missing a beat. It was hard to decide what should fall to the cutting room floor, or be deleted via iMovie. He’s my husband, and I felt a bit guilty omitting recorded episodes of meat grinding, salt sprinkling, and the tearing open of hot pepper packets. But cut I did, and replaced with photos overlaid with text. Even with all the snips, the video runs nearly seven minutes long. I’ll post the YouTube link below for those interested in jerking their meat.

With Mommy and Daddy making videos, it seemed natural when my seven year old asked to record her recipe for a soda drink. She wrote down her ingredients, sending Tom to the store for more Diet Coke. She had plenty of Pepsis which are on hand for guests. Her little sister was her lovely assistant, nodding her head and chiming in at just the right moment. I think my girls had a lot of presence for seven and four. Who else but a child would combine the two powerhouses of cola?

• Coke or Pepsi?
• Carrie Prejean, Donald Trump, or Perez Hilton?
• Behind the camera or in front of it?

Tom’s YouTube debut! How To: Make Elk Jerky

1 Word Tag

I was tagged by two terrific bloggers, Leese and Sweetiegirlz to answer the following questions with just one word. Since I was double-tagged, can I use two words?

1. Where is your cell phone? Hmmm

2. Your hair? Fabulous

3. Your mother? Hermit

4. Your father? Gregarious

5. Your favorite food? Pizza

6. Your dream last night? Forgotten

7. Your favorite drink? Diet Coke

8. Your dream/goal? Now

9. What room are you in? Living

10. Your hobby? Blogging

11. Your fear? Sharks

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Party

13. Where were you last night? Jacuzzi

14. Something that you aren’t? Bitchy

15. Muffins? No

16. Wish list item? Vacation

17. Where did you grow up? California

18. Last thing you did? Stirred

19. What are you wearing? Jeans

20. Your TV? BIG

21. Your pets? Persistent

22. Friends? Old

23. Your life? Heavenly

24. Your mood? Joyful

25. Missing someone? No

26. Vehicle? Magnum

27. Something you’re not wearing? Shoes

28. Your favorite store? Target

29. Your favorite color? Red

30. When was the last time you laughed? Morning

31. Last time you cried? Years

32. Your best friend? Hubby

33. One place that I go to over and over? Vegas

34. One person who emails me regularly? Mom

35. Favorite place to eat? CasaSerrano

If you haven’t been tagged, and want to do this one, consider yourself tagged.

Fun with Wikipedia

Today’s mission, if you choose to accept it, is to visit Wikipedia, enter your high school name, and see which notable alumni attended your school.

Did you know Dawn Wells, Mary Ann of Gilligan’s Island, went to Reno High School? Neither did I! And I went to Reno High! We should have had her face plastered on all the walls, and a special monument erected to her. We could have been the Castaways instead of the Huskies.

I don’t often go sifting through Wikipedia nor high school memories, but a friend of mine uploaded her prom picture to Facebook. Being an 80’s New Waver, I didn’t have boys knocking down my door. This was the Preppy era. Through a Speech & Debate Tournament in Carson City, Nevada I met my senior boyfriend/senior prom date. Where is he now? Wikipedia says he is Grammy nominated music producer, remixer, and DJ.

This would be a good time to insert my prom picture, but I can’t locate it. I’ve searched through a few boxes, but have only come up with a stuffed stingray for Pearl and a photo of me and the Eck (Dennis Eckersley, relief pitcher for the Oakland A’s).

Here’s my hand: 1 missing prom photo with a DJ, 1 Gilligan’s Island alumni, and an Eck high card. Beat that!